How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
