watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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