Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
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Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
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Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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