can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
