I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
