How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
