The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
