I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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