I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
