I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
