1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
