So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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