If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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