take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
pop tarts are not kleenex
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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