PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
