i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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