im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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