as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
