He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
