Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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