So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
