i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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