Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
