what day is it and did you see me today?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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