James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
