i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
