Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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