You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
