My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I didn't shave. On purpose
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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