I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Michael Bay diarrhea
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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