Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
