I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize