I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
