just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My life is pants optional.
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