call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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