After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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