I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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