have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The best revenge is premature balding
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
