I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
