Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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