apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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