clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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