Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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