I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
