I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
