I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
