I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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