Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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