Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't turn off my feet"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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