how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
