wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
