I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
