SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
