If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
