I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
