I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
