Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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